After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.  They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and
friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"  The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time, and a great family man."  The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them  say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Straggly Cat:  One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a  sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all  matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took  her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided  to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.  My husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El Cheap-O. My husband calls him El Take-0.  Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announced to my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant.   God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

A woman walked into a shop that sold expensive Persian rugs. She looked around, spotted the perfect rug and walked over to inspect it. As she bent to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally broke wind. Very embarrassed by her accident, she looked around nervously to see if anyone had noticed.  She turned and saw a salesman standing next to her.  "Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?"  Still unsure and  uncomfortable, she asked, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"  He answered, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna shit when you hear the price."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!  She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage cans.  Car door slams, some swearing, then the garage door opens and slams shut.  Suddenly more crashing and clattering and swearing, then John comes into the house with his golf clubs, scowling and swearing.  "What's the matter, Dear, you have as bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary.  "Yeah, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"

A few words for the women: 1) If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.  2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 3) Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.  4) Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.  6) Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.  7) Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.  8) Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.  9) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.  10) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.  11) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.  12) Crying is blackmail. 13) Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.  14) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!  15) We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 16) Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?  17) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.  18) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. that's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.  19) A headache that lasts for more than 7 days is a problem.  See a doctor.  20) Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.  21) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.  22) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 23) Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 24) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.  25) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.  26) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 27) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.  28) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your Girlfriends - like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.  29) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 30) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 31) We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.  32)  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.  The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

A few thoughts on life...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
16. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no food.
23. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is  moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.  The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"  The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."  The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."  The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm passed eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.  They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"  Only the states of Georgia, Kentucky, South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were:  "Hold my beer and watch this!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MISSOURI IF:  You've never met any celebrities.  Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.  "Vacation" means driving through Mtn. Grove or going to Branson.  You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.  You measure distance in minutes.  Down south to you means Arkansas.  You know several people who have hit a deer.  Your school classes were canceled because of cold.  Your school classes were canceled because of heat.  You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.  You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.  You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."  You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.  You see people wear bib overalls to funerals.  You see a car running in the parking lot at the same store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.  You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.  You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."  All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.  You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.  You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should.  You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum kicking" is.  You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.  You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.  You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.  You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.  The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports.   You think that deer season is a national holiday.  You know which leaves make good toilet paper.  You find 105 degrees F "a little warm".  You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and construction.  You know if another Missourian is from Eastern, middle or Western Missouri as soon as they open their mouth.  You think "frog gigging" should be an Olympic sport.  You failed world geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana, Springfield, and Mexico were just cities in Missouri.  You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Missouri friends.

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives.  To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"  The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"  The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."  Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"   The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!  He'd  be  too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"  The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?  Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?  Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."  The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."  The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back  with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's true!  The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?  "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular  glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

 LOST BETWEEN "BABY BOOMER" AND "GENERATION X" IF...  1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a  flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.  2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.  3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.  4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said  "Landshark!"  5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.  6. You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."  7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.  8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.  9. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when  "alternative comedy" was really funny.  10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.  11. (Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of  the station wagon facing the cars behind you.  12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."  13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if  the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)  14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.  15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.  16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets  (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.  17. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still  makes you laugh.  18. You r emember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."  19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from  "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."   20. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying "I was  experimenting."   21. You've ever shopped at Benetton.   22. You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.  23. You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.  24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.  25. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch"it was by the first scene.  26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH."   27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided  it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway   28. You know who shot J.R. 29. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every giirl's Christmas stocking.  30. This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."   31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)   32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.   33. You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.   34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.  35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.  36. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.   37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm so "wasted!"    38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.   39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.  40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.  41. You learned to swim at about the same time  "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.    42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch...and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by a CORD!   43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.    44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worst of  all-what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.   45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.   46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.   47. You remember having a rotary phone.   48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.  49. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.   50. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day: ...you actually remember the words to the theme song of "TheGreatest American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR...I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...FLYIN AWAY ON A WING AND A PRAY. WHO COULD IT BE? BELIEVE IT OR NOT ITS JUST ME.")

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.  He says, "Doc, I think I'm hung up on women's breasts."  The psychiatrist says, "We'll see. I'll give you a quick word-association test. I'll say something, and then you say the first thing that comes into your mind.  The doctor says, "2 Eggs." The guy says, "Boobs."  The doctor says, "Orange."  The guy says, "Hooters."  The doctor says, "Grapefruit."  The guy says, "Jugs."  The doctor says, "Windshield wipers."  The guy says, "Knockers."  The psychiatrist says, "It's very obvious you have a problem. I mean, I can understand the egg, an orange, or even a grapefruit, but why would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?"  The guy says, "Are you kidding, Doc? First this one, then that one, then this one, then that one."

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.  She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon,"he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."  "What's that, baby?"asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Texas. They need a stud bull to increase their herd.  The brunette takes their savings of $600 dollars and goes to Oklahoma to buy a bull.  She eventually meets with an old rancher who will sell her a bull that meets her needs. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."  She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and tells the clerk, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Texas that says: "Have found bull; bring trailer." The clerk tells her "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per
word." She thinks about it for a moment and realizing she only has a dollar left decides, "Send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man cannot resist his curiosity and asks, "I'm sorry, Miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.  As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!"

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.  The President decides to give them a test.  He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.  The CIA goes in.  They place animal informants throughout the forest.  They question all plant and mineral witnesses.  After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.  The FBI goes in.  After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.  The LAPD goes in.  They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear.  The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay!  I'm a RABBIT!!  I'm a RABBIT!!"

Hillbillies in the Whitehouse (Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" Theme)
Well there once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
The poor president couldn't keep his willie still;
Then one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows the boy her chest...
Boobs, that is.  Two of 'em.  Bodacious ta ta's.
Well the next thing you know, Monica's on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill says, "oh yeah now - don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."
Blow job, that is.  Phalli osculation.
Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to this fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."
The wiener, that is.  The presidential staff.
 So week after week, Monica's on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you Please,
But then she figured out that the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is.  Cigars.  Bodacious ta ta's.
Well it wasn't too long till we all knew the score,
About the stuff that went down behind the oval office door;
The country's in the toilet and the people cry, "No More"
But if we oust the cheatin' jerk, then we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is.  Great big one.  Head stuck up a tree.
So now you know the story about Bill our president,
Wonder if this fling is gonna cost him every cent;
So the moral of the story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with that bitch named Hillary.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary.  She was young and very polite.  One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.  When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. johnson, your barracks door is open."   He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.  He relized his secretary must have noticed this when she said his barracks door was open.  He decided to have some fun with his secretary.  Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"    The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
 

*Thanks C.D. for the funnies

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Last  10-5-03